Thursday, 19 May 2011

Love The Way You Lie

So, here I am,at home on a regular afternoon, gisting with my friend about the usual stuff we talk about, you know, male stuff, like stocks and shares, architecture and what not and then boom!Dude says a phrase that sets me thinking,and pondering,and pondering and thinking some more,till i decide that it is indeed worth coming off hiatus to blog about.The phrase in question? "Women like to be lied to".

Mind blowing,isnt it?The Lie.A concept that has being around since the beginning of time,literally.A concept that we know and perceive as evil and yet, here I am being told that people actually like it.But if you think about it, that is not so far-fetched.Take for example music.Bruno Mars is probably the hottest crooner out now,singing his way into the hearts and minds and other unmentionable places of women worldwide.But look at his two biggest hits, "Just the Way You Are" and "Grenade".The first one he says that when his lady asks if she looks ok,he'll out right tell her she's amazing,just the way she is.Dude,she didnt ask for a therapy session,she just asked if she looks good at the time.what if she's got one of those annoying lady moustaches that some women tend to have and she could care less about shaving it off.Does she still look amazing then?How about she has hairy armpits and she wants to wear some sleeveless shirt?Does that still look amazing?Now look at grenade,I'll catch a grenade for you.There's no shortage of wars and conflicts going on in the world,why don't you register in the army and play Rambo there?Look at Westlife,those annoying pricks have being lying to women their whole career,"Crying Without Wings".Get the Eff Away With That Bullshit!

I like to think of myself as a logical man and I think to myself,people are not buying into this cross a river for you while pulling an oil tanker crap but Lo and Behold,I am totally wrong.Women totally buy into that shit!The honest man doesn't get far,because the lie is so much sweeter than the truth. Look at politics,some looking for a public post can't just come out and tell you,look,there will be challenges,we will have funding issues,but if we work together,we can meet some of our goals eventually.Nope,dude will never get voted.But instead,tell people that if they elect you,you will provide a borehole that will make youghurt flow,that guy gets voted (I'm not making this up,someone made such a claim and was voted back then,ask around).Look at the law profession,most profitable line of work in most developed countries,and all they do is lie!Same thing with women, you tell them that you're not perfect,your eyes may wander,but you'll try your possible best to be a good boyfriend to the best of your ability,thats the day you get into the friend zone.Women like to be wooed and hit with that movie special effects bullcrap,possible best?Best believe that one sharp guy will show up and tell her that she's so fine and radiant,she makes the sun look like the moon.Honesty is over-rated people!

I don't blame the liars though, everyone needs an edge to get ahead in life and the lie will get you there. It will eventually blow up in your face and get you into loads of trouble.But before then, have your fun,right.And hey, the ladies aint complaining,they like the way it sounds.As a famous redhead said "Love the Way You Lie".

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Aydees Infinite Playlist - The Love Mixtape

A while back i saw a little movie called "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist". The plot is not important but in brief, it was about a guy that made a couple of mixtapes for his ex-girlfriend in a bid to win her back. The ex,rather than listen to his labours of love, throws them in the trash but they get picked up by another girl that is totally in love with them and subsequently the guy.

The art of the mixtape is a delicate craft as I have noticed (yep,made a few in my day). It could totally blow up in your face if given to the wrong person, or totally score your super-points if the object of your affections gets where you are coming from. Its like making jollof rice, too much tomatoes and it gets sour, too much spice and its choking. All ingredients have to come together in the right proportions to make a mind-numbingly super meal/tape.

So, anyway, I was going through my bottomless pit of a music collection and came across some songs that seem to get me in the mood for love which I will now share with you. Who knows, you might listen and like them and burn them for that special someone and hopefully it will get you better results than it has gotten me (the success rate aint that great,but hey,you can only hope,right?) Here we go:

Dear Bobbie - Yellowcard (old people in love,cute stuff)
The Light - Common (greatest rap love song ever,in my opinion)
Love You For Life - Jodeci
Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
I Knew I Loved You - Savage Garden (I wonder where these guys are now)
(Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan Adams
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
I Wanna Be - Chris Brown
Baby Phat - De La Soul
Stars - The Cranberries
No U Hang Up - Shayne Ward (when you never want them to hang up)
Breathless - Shayne Ward
Choices - The Hoosiers
Somebody To Love (Remix) - Justin Bieber And Usher
All My Life - K-Ci and Jojo
Your Love Is My Drug - Ke$ha
I'd Rather Dance With You - Kings Of Convenience

I prefer them when they are not so gooey-ooey, but what can you do, these songs tend to end up like that. You take what you can from them.

Hey, in the comments, how about you suggest your own lineup for a mixtape? I'd like to hear your playlists.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

The Wedding Make-Up Dilemma

I was going to call this post "Attack of the Zombies." Didn't think that would reach out to too many readers, unless of course you're a zombie-phile.

I always thought wedding dinner occasions were a venue to celebrate love and a place where those unfortunate enough not to find love could meet someone and then hook-up (on a side-note, studies state that people in love live longer than members of the lonely hearts club. But I digress).Its no wonder that women always like to stand out, both figuratively and literally,telling their tailors to tighten up the top parts and bottom parts of their wedding attire so as to call attention to themselves (hey, I am not compalining, the way to a man's heart isn't only through his stomach). And through the clothing, they do indeed stand out and the tailor's have done their bit by beautifying and sexifying their clients. Too bad make-up artists didn't get the memo.

Actually,scratch that. They definately got a memo, probably from a film studio planning to make a horror movie about zombies. I've never seen so much powder on a face since when last I saw Scarface in the final act of that movie! The make-up is so thick, you'd assume it was a mask you could take off and put on later for other occassions. And the eye shadow!what!!! I heard these make-up artists actually did a course for this stuff that earned them their brushes. Hey, maybe they only paid for that one course: Slut Her Up 101. Hey, maybe I could be wrong and this is whats in now, the geisha look or the Hoochie Ma look, God knows I could be fashionably challenged these days. But if not, I think some brushes need to be reposessed and make-up degrees revoked. The weird part to me is that the brides and bridesmaids that sit through all this make-up, wasn't there a mirror present? Maybe make-up artists specialize in mind-control, helped by the fumes of the excessive face powder they apply to get their clients to agree with their every suggestion.

I am of the opinion that less is more in this case and a woman's natural beauty should shine out at a wedding. To me, all a woman needs is some lipbalm and the littlest powder possible, hey, I actually favor the wet look on a woman. But as they say, opinions are like assholes, everyones got one.

P.S. To the tailors, keep on doing what you're doing, I fully support yall!

Thursday, 24 February 2011


Growing up, we are told by friends and loved ones that we are on the road to greatness and like the greats we see on tv, we will be stars one day. We too will become bazillionaires of that one idea we got when we saw a leaf land in a puddle (probably call it leafpuddle), marry that girl rated 10 on the hottie scale, be the darling of the world.

Ah, if only it wasn't such a pile of horse-shit.

To quote a great movie, "You are not a unique snowflake". You are not a rose redder than the rest of the roses. If everyone wore black, looking down from a plane or helicopter, not one person would look indistinguishable from the rest of the crowd. You may never make the next Facebook or the next Apple.You may never get that model chick that you always dreamt up and fell in love with at first sight. Truth is,my friend, only a few out of millions reach such lofty positions, the Bill Gates of the world, the Donald Trumps, the Mark Zuckerbergs and the Sergey Brins and Larry Pages. Truth is, my friend, you are just another snowflake.

But I ask,is that really so bad? Of course, everyone wants to stand out and be the different snowflake that made it different. But lookin at it from a different angle, you are still part of something beautiful. You may not be a redder rose, but you are still a beautiful rose nonetheless.You may not end up with who we always thought we'd end up with, but we end up with who we are meant to end up with in the end. We may not end up being the richest man in the world, but we may end up being the man that pays bills on time and puts a roof over his family's head.

Don't get me wrong, dreams are wonderful, dreams are great.Dreams get us through a crappy day and keep us moving on when bad shit goes down and motivates us.It pays to come down to Earth once in a while though.Somedtimes,its best to be lucid dreamers.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Random Thoughts

Ever have those moments when you're alone in a room, staring at the ceiling, counting ceiling boards, wondering what that weird sound is in the corner of the room and weird little thoughts creep into your mind. Those little "what ifs" and "how comes"? You don't? Wow,me neither!

Cyke!!! I've come to the conclusion that I suffer A.D.D (or a short attention span). So being that I drift off a lot, I tend to ponder life's little mysteries now and again, which due to the A.D.D I completely forget. Thanks to the magic of pen and paper though, I managed to compile a little list of my musings for the consumption of you, my reader(s)! And once again, its in list form, because if your anything like me, you hate reading boring long paragraphs that just go on and on!So, here we go!!!!!:

*I always thought that if one did Yoga, it would work on both body and soul.But now I feel Practicing Yoga won't make me less of an asshole. But in time, it'll make me flexible and limber enough to kiss my own butt.

*I always wondered why everyone says "Pardon my French" before they swear and say something offensive.Is French really that offensive? I always felt German was more offensive.How come no one says "Pardon my German"? And when they're about to swear, do the French in turn say "Pardon mon Englais"? I wonder.....

*I have never heard a Chicken say "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo", only "Kukuruko", or a sheep saying "Bah". How do white folk come up with these sounds? Do their chickens really say "Cock-A-Doodle-Doo"? Those are some smart-ass chickens?

*Confuscious was one smart mo-fo.

*Wouldn't it really suck for dudes if phones and phone signals caused cancer?A whole lot of us would die from ball cancer!Oooooh mannnnn!!!!

*Don't you just hate it when people make commentary when they are carrying out activities? "I'm carrying my books,lalalala.... I have classes to go for,lalalala....."

*Will there ever be a Nollywood movie that will be good enough to get major props in Hollywood?

*What are babies actually thinking of when you make funny faces and talk to them funny? Are they probably thinking "This dude is frickin weird, What the eff is up with his face? This dude is an effing retard!"

*The guy that wrote Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carol, must have being high on some serious stuff when he wrote the books. A pot smoking caterpiller, a weird cat with a smile and sometimes, no body? Strange shit goes on in that book, I tell you!

*The toilet is a great place to come up with inspiration. Probably due to the long minutes of inactivity.

*Women are definately the smarter sex, they have the ability to multi-task, unlike men. But so much ish goes on up there, I think they tend to get it all mixed up. Thank God for us having a simpler one-track mind, then. (Sexist remark?Probably.Do I care?Ummmmmmmmm..........)

Blame this post on the A.D.D.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Chick Flicks and Why I Like Them

Ah, the chick flick. The bane of any straight man who claims to possess a functioning set of organic minerals in between his legs.These are the movies we wouldn't be caught dead within a 10 foot radius of, or we usually respond to in the following manner when asked if we have seen them by women: "Sex and the City 2?what?!!!Hell No!!!How!!!That movie sucks donkey balls!Inception,baby!!!"

Well, confession time. I do like to dabble in the occasional chick flick (translation: I totally love dat shit) and though most don't like to admit it, so do a lot of men. Ever watched a Bollywood movie with a group of guys and when it comes to the sad part, theres this long unbearable silence? I have!Very friggin uncomfortable feeling!

So,anyway,I have decided to compile a list of these chick flicks that have totally done it for me.I have also decided to give up my Man-card at the end of this post as I have totally broken one of the cardinal rules of The Man Club: We Don't Talk About Chick Flicks! 

So, in no particular order, here we go!!!

*(500) Days of Summer
The classic tale of Boy Meets Girl,Girl Meets Boy,Boy Likes Girl,Girl Dumps Boy and leaves Boy heartbroken never to love or trust again!Not your regular romantic comedy movie cliche, is it? Maybe thats why I identify with this movie so much,because it is relateable.No, Boy doesn't get Girl in the end but its still a happy ending for all involved. As the tag-line says,its not a love story,its a story about Love. (I totally hope Girl gets hit by a bus,the bitch!!!)

In this movie,we don't just get one love story.No no no,we get like five or more different ones, about different sorts of love:regular love,forbidden love,sibling love (no, I don't mean incest), underage love (no,potential pedophiles,it's not that kind of movie), loving thyself (not masturbation) and just about any sort of love you can imagine.I got that lump in your throat you get when you're sad but you don't want to cry in front of dudes cause you will be labelled a wuss!

A star falls in love with an underachieving nobody.And not Hollywood kinda star, I mean an actual star in the sky!That enough is worth the cost of admission.Oh,and for fans of sword and sorcery aka NERDSSSS!!!, thats in the movie too.

*Notting Hill
Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts are in this movie.Do I really need to describe the pure chick-flickyness of this movie?

*Kal Ho Na Ho
Bollywood movie.Shahrukh Khan,you bastard,I hate you for making me feel,with your quivering lips (no homo) and your big sad eyes (still,no homo) and your stupid crying bobble-head!Why?Why did you have to die?!!! (Another throat lump inducing movie)

*Jerry Maguire
"You complete me".This line could be in The Expendables and turn it into a chick flick.

It's a musical.With singing and dancing about feelings.Nuff said!

I'm sure there's more but I admitting I liked these was a big step for me, being the manly man that I am.But hey,please, y'all are free to write your own list in the comments below so I can know what else to watch, I mean, totally warn people about!

Friday, 28 January 2011

How To Tell If You're In The Friend Zone

For my next post, I decided to do some charity work the best way I know how and help so many clueless men out there that have always wondered why the hell the girl of their dreams seems to be giving them all the signs but whenever its crunch time and it seems you're going to get that long awaited kiss, all you get is a rub on your back (upper back,mind you,not lower), and a "thank you sweetie" while you're left open-mouthed wondering what the hell just happened. You, my friend , have ventured into this realm of disbelief for the clueless man, a place where so many have ventured but can never find their way out. Welcome to "The Friend Zone" (cue ominous music).

I have found myself a resident of this desolate place where hopes and dreams of "hooking-up" come to die and as the old adage/saying/jewel of wisdom states "One is a lonely frickin number"!So,because I am a nice guy (a character trait I'm pretty sure is the reason I end up here in the first place), I will help my fellow man to identify whether you're hopping on the next plane ride to "The Friend Zone":

*She's always busy when you wanna see her to chat but her schedule happens to open up when you offer to take her out for goodies.
*You call her up and she greets you with the following petnames: dude,homeboy,homie,bros,guy,pessin.... (its a long ass list)
*She calls you up to ask you to help her pick a dress and give an opinion on it before she goes out on dates. You, my friend, are in a deeper shit-zone than the regular friend zone, now you're in the "Gay Friend Zone".
*You tell her you have a thing for her but she tells you about how she was friends with her last boyfriend and now that they've broken up they cant be friends so she doesn't want to lose you like that.(I know I'm not the first one to hear this one).
*You've heard the "Its not you, its me" line. How bout "Its not me or you. Its them" (Them who? Aliens?The government?Who?!!!)
*She refers to you as being a cute and sweet guy, to your face.
*When you start dirty talking, she says its either disgusting to her or it makes her uncomfortable. (Look,ladies,we all know you created the truth or dare game or devil's basket so now, we should be led to believe dirty talk makes you queezy?I say thee,nay)

DISCLAIMER: To any ladies I know personally and this looks familiar to you, I truly love being your friend and I'm sure we can all look at this and laugh.Right?Right?I didnt even mention names,no one will ever know! *wink wink*

So, to the dudes reading this (who am I kidding,this blog is only two posts strong), these are just tell-tale signs to let you know when if you're becoming an inhabitant of the Friend Zone.Just so you know.

Be sure to post comments.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

My 1st post.....and nothing to say!

"Once upon a time...." "It was a dark and stormy night....." "Story Story..."
For what seems like forever and a day, I've been craving to start a blog, as a bid to satiate my humongous ego (cos frankly,I'm a genius and everyone needs to hear what I have to say :). Not,but really, what better way to express yourself than write any randomness that may come to your head and put it up online for complete strangers to post comments and say how much they hate you and how your opinions suck and how your point of view stinks and blah blah blah!!! (yet somehow they take time out of their busy schedules to tell you.Thanks guys!) To be honest, I don't even know what the blog will be about, maybe I feel and hope like a mother that when I give birth, this baby will go big and strong and become something great and make me proud (or maybe I'm just churning out a bastard,who knows?). One thing I know though is that I'm willing to try it at least once and see where it goes (one more thing to take off the ol' bucket list). One thing I promise though, it'll always be short (who likes to read endless talk from some pretentious poser, right?), and I'll try to keep it as interesting as I can. And variety, definitely has to have variety.
So,how do I end these things anyway, I'm tempted to say "Welcome to my World" (first timer web developers will get this,aww man, now I need to come out with a sign out catchphrase) but I guess its just bye, for now!